Nu ren,
Nan ren mood is down. So I decide to blog abit. Hopefully it can help to show what I'm trying to say. Nan ren is down not because of Nu ren, but a sour feeling inside me.
I'm wondering, we've been together for almost a year now. Did we actually solve any problems together? If we did, why do I still feel that there is problem? Did we properly sat down to talk things over, or did we just close one eye and let it pass us by? Nu ren said one thing to nan ren which nan ren will never forget, "we've been together for so long, what does it mean to me, and is it that you do not trust me?" I do trust you, but just that I do not know why I cant be assured. You understand? You nan ren likes assurance. He does not like uncertainty. He like to be able to see the future, a clear path into the future. If not, nan ren will work hard so that nan ren be able to see the path, to see my own future.
Nan ren really wants to have a future with you. I not being able to see it clearly terrifies me and I'll keep trying hard to make sure you are my future. Sometimes, it is us who makes our future, God just helps. Leaving it to God, that does not gives me the assurance that I need.
Your nan ren leh, is very two feet on the ground, standing very firm. I like things to be in black and white, clearly maped out for me. Like I said, I like to have a map when traveling, and not just walking and wondering around. Coz i like assurance, I have power over my future, I know whats ahead of me, so no unexpected things will suddently happen.
Right now, I do not know what my future is. I want to believe that my future is nu ren. But nu ren makes me feel uncertain. To say to the point, I do not want my nu ren to leave me. She is going to perth, my future is shattered. I keep on feeling that Im gona loose her. Im not gona be part of her any more. everytime just thinking about it, makes my heart shattered.
And this is what I mean. Did we ever properly solve this problem? Why this matter occur everytime? Did we talk through it? Did we solve it? Did we said how are we gona go through it? Yes right? But nan ren can't be assured. Coz u know why? Coz it keep on changing.
Going into EY, for me, is something very blur. I cant guarenty that I'll be able to go into it. But Nan ren will try his best. Even if I go into it, I cant guarenty that Im able to go to Kch. Nu ren leaving to perth, makes me so sad. Plus, you told me that you're uncertain that you will come back to M'sia afterwards. Being separated, plus with uncertainty is driving me crazy.
I've a friend, a girl. I've lost contact with her. But ah, I've heard from friends, that she is very geng. Coz there is so many guys that chase after her, but she kept on one thing. She reject all of the boys, saying he is very loyal to her bf in Sydney, and she herself is in Miri. That is such a big trust she had given to her bf. All of us just wow.. haha
I'm not making comparisons. Nor am I saying what not good or good. Nan ren likes to share things and information. I like to tell things to nu ren. To be able to share every feelings of me. Things to me that are nice or wow. Understand? I like to share things with nu ren.
Nu ren, I've things that always puts a smile into my face. You wanna know what is it? Hehe, nan ren will not tell you. See how you treat nan ren. Coz this is a secret about nu ren. Secret that Im very proud to have you as my nu ren. When the time is right, I'll let nu ren know. Shhh, its my secret.
Shuang, I do not want to loose you. Please assure me. Your nan ren kept on thinking like this, make my thinking change. You are the only person that can change my mind. I nid you.
There is this song, call 萍聚, nan ren loves the song, but some verse I dun understand what does it mean, too deep. Can help me translate? I want to know the real meaning of the song.
別管以後將如何結束
至少我們曾經相聚過
不必費心地彼此約束
更不需要言語的承諾
只要我們曾經擁有過
對你我來講已經足夠
人的一生有許多回憶
只願你的追憶有個我
This song just makes my heart shatter even more, because of the first two verse. I love the first two verse, but it also scares me alot. Nu ren, i need your assurance. I like constant assurance. Maybe nu ren's style is say one time and mean it. Nan ren leh is, say as many times you want, but mean everytime you say it.
Hope nu ren can understand what i'm feeling. Nan ren cant wait for you to come back. Coz only that nan ren can really feel secure.
I love you, nothing can ever change that. The mistakes ive made, i'll 200% make it up to you. Nan ren will give it all his best. Coz i'm still chasing after my nu ren, even though she is my nu ren. She is my best friend, good friend, and girlfriend. Mmmuacks!
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1 comment:
Dear nan ren,
ur nu ren is back to ur side^^ muaks~ thank you for all the things u had done for me..muaks muaks. The only compliment i can say is that my nan ren is becoming a man, a reliable man, but not yet a Real man hehe.
nan ren a, actuali when i was on the plane, i read one of my books - The Fifth Mountain. i told u b4 about tis book and it is a story of a man touched by the hand of God - Elijah.
i wanna share smthg abt it caz it will answer ur doubts and i hope will give u the assurance u wan. It is actually God's words.
In the story, the only woman Elijah fell in love with had died and it was a tragedy for him that he lost faith in God, apparently, he did. But then, one night, he felt that there's smthg important, a message, that keeps disturbing his mind. And finally, he recalled back.
To cut it short, the message is: sometimes it was neccessary to struggle with God. Every human being at some time had tragedy enter his life ( it might be me leaving you ). At that moment, God challenged one to confront Him and to answer his question: why do u cling fast to an existence so short and so filled with sufferings? wat is d meaning of ur struggle? ( smthg for u to evaluate )
The man who din knw d answer wuld resign himself while d other who sought the meaning of existence, feeling tat God had been unjust, wuld challenge his own destiny.The brave wuld set afire even it costs internal sufferings, abandon evrythg, includin God. ncontinue onward.
" the brave are always stubborn." from heaven,God smiled contentedly, for it was this that He desired, tat each person take into his hands the responsibility for his own life. For, in d final analysis, He had given His children the greatest of all gifts: the capacity to choose n determine their acts. Onli those wif courage to confront Him knw the path back to His love, for they understood tat tragedy was not punishment but challenge.
I was touched by this message and the moment i read it, i thought of u. Nan ren, we all nid assurances but then again, we are the one who choose our own acts. God has given us the capacity to choose so if it turns out to be smthg u unexpected, it is us to be blame. what i wanna say is tat, i choose to have my faith in u and therefore i will come back to u. God may places any sort of challenges in front of us, but all we nid is the courage to confront Him and be blessed by Him.
Nan ren a, u can plan ur future and it is to ur effort to realize it. God will help you bt only you if u ask. there's a verse in d bible tat says ' those who ask will seek..' sp have faith in urself n in me, also in Him. k?
Translation time!!
It doesn't matter hw everythg will end in d future bt at least we been 2gether b4; thr's no nid to hold back or tie dwn one another or words of promises becaz we had each othr b4; this is more thn enuf to both of us; There're so many memories in a person's entire life bt i hope tat i am in one of ur memories.
( haha... i'm nt sure if my translations r gud enuf..paiseh )
lastly, i quoted anthr line frm d book: Lord leads a man to the abyss of d unavoidable, to show him tat man muz choose n not accept his fate. so nan ren, choose to hav faith on me n put into effort to make me ur future or choose to keep feeling uncertain n beaten up by tis 'asurrances' thingy. i love u n thanks for sharin tis wif me. muaks!
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