Good fire, Good relationship

To keep a fire burning brightly, there's one easy rule:

Keep the logs together, near enough to keep warm and far enough apart for breathing room.

Good fire, good marriage, same rule.

Marnie Reed Crowel

From : http://www.angriesout.com/couples.htm

Let's see what several researchers have found out about happy couples who have developed the skills to form an open system.

1. Happy couples base their relationship on a strong, spiritual foundation. They sought out something greater than themselves and developed shared rituals to give meaning to their lives. They developed shared rituals to strengthen the bond between them.

2. People in happy relationships shared positive values of commitment, cooperation, loving, acceptance, honesty, respect, responsibility and humor. They lived out these values in their relationship. They down played material success and achievement and defined their relationship in terms of their positive values.

3. Happy couples were more likely to idealize and paint a rosy picture of their partner. They credited their partners with helping make the relationship work. With these positive beliefs, each partner was able to overlook many of the flaws in their partner. They were generous in spirit when they made critiques of their partner's behavior. When crisis struck, they kept an optimistic outlook of the relationship saying We can handle this. We can work it out. Current research is saying that the willingness to be generous with one's partners shortcoming and overlooking their weaknesses to focus on strengths is the key to a happy long-term relationship.

4. The couples were equal partners in making the important decisions in the relationship. They learned to balance power in their relationship. Marital power was shared with each person doing what they had more expertise in that area. Household tasks were divided by who was good at the task, not by gender roles. They cut each other slack when certain expectations were not met.
5. The couples who were happy together emphasized life long learning and personal growth. They saw problems as opportunities that the two of them could overcome. They had a sense of the coupleship that could deal with all the problems that life offered them. Happy couples put their relationship first. Their relationship with each other was more important than their relationship with their children, friends or parents.

6. Contented partners developed good negotiation skills. They agreed to disagree and problem solve together to come to a reasonable solution for both. Each tried to hear the other person's point of view during disagreements. They understood that respectful negotiation was the key to a rewarding relationship. They overcame their fears about confrontation and conflict and they use techniques of fight fair to settle disagreements. They were especially careful to repair their relationship after times of discord by providing extra nurturing for each other.

7. Successful couples valued intimacy and encouraged mutual nurturing. The provision of support during stressful times was a necessary ingredient for individuals to feel emotionally safe during tough times. When outside stressors such as job change or financial trouble came up, the couple stood together. Lack of social support from one or both partners has been show to be a key predictor of marital problems. When there is a long time pattern of nonsupport, partners can feel left out and become resentful creating distancing and an impasse. Reciprocal comforting and nurturing is a balm that bonds the couple together in this stressful world.

From : http://ezinearticles.com/?Ways-to-Build-Strong,-Happy-Lasting-Relationship&id=342985

Every relationship undergoes its own phases of good and bad times. No relationship is perfect No relationship stays without a laugh, a hug, an argument, a misunderstanding, a cry. Initially all the relationship move smoothly but with the passage of time many relationships lose the charm and romance of their relationship. There is argument, conflict and bitterness resulting in separation.

During good times you take things for granted and forget to make efforts to keep the relationship intact. A relationship demands hard work. You have to work towards your relationship to make it happy and long lasting. Little steps taken in daily life make your relationship sweeter. When bad times are in there is all bitterness in your relation. The more you try to get stability in your relation the more it seems to deteriorate. You land up messing your relationship. You never know how things went wrong. All of a sudden there is a sense of coldness between you and your partner. At times we take a relationship for granted and ignore what our partner wants from us. And then there are times when we want to keep up a relationship but are unable to do so. Both the partners should know what they need from each other as well as what they expect from each other.

When you know what you want and expect from each other you have a way out to keep a healthy relationship. Remember a time when your relation went sour as you were not able to understand him/her or when in spite of loving your partner you landed in a break off. In a relationship there are times when you are really hurt, abused and angry and are on the verge of a separation, it is then you look for someone to give you advice. There are a number of ways to keep your relationship happy and long lasting such as understanding each others need, communicating openly what is within, showing honesty and loyalty.

From : http://www.ojar.com/view_22670.htm

I wasn't happy in the relationship, yet still I love him?

A couple of weeks ago I started reading the book too good to leave, too bad to stay. Not that I have any saying since he already left me. But I wanted an answer to the question wether we had a good relationship or not. The first thing the book adressed was the question, "when your think back at the best time of your relationship, was it really wonderful?" I was shocked that my answer was no. Not even when it was at it's best did I feel satisfied. This did comfort me very much. I felt I deserved better and started too look forward to being in a loving relationship. Watching sappy love movies made me look forward to being in love again.

This lasted for several weeks. Then yesterday I watched the movie "family man" with Nicholas Cage. It's a soulmate kind of story and about giving up stuff for love. And it plunged me back into desperation land. I suddenly felt that I love my x very much. That he was my soul mate. But that we didn't "fit" together which made us both unhappy. How can you love somebody that makes you unhappy? I don't understand it? Or is this thing I'm feeling not love? What is love? I feel like a teenager asking these questions..

From : http://www.girl.com.au/happyrelationships.htm

A relationship can be a great way to have fun and create a special friendship; as well as learn a lot about yourself and others. You might have a sense that a relationship is happy and going well when you:
· Can laugh and enjoy someone's company
· Feel safe and supported
· Provide safety and support
· Share ideas and feelings
· Respect each other

Every relationship is unique, and you may have your own way of knowing that a relationship is right for you. Even when a relationship is going well it is important that you still put effort into it and don't take the relationship for granted. Be aware of what you need in a relationship as well as what other people need. This way, your relationships have the best chance of growing and continuing to be strong and healthy.If you are in a situation where a relationship turns sour and you are being hurt or abused by someone it may be best to end or change the relationship. If you are unsure of how to go about this, talk to someone you trust, like a friend, your parents, a counsellor or youth worker.

Suggestions for keeping relationships strong

Trust and being honest
Learning to trust someone and being honest with someone may take time. It can also be an important ingredient in a healthy relationship. As you spend more time with someone and start to share experiences together, your level of trust may increase

Keep communicating
It is a good idea to keep the lines of communication open. This may mean talking regularly about what is happening in your life and how you feel about it. When people share their opinions and feelings they develop a greater understanding of each other's likes and dislikes. It may also help to work out what each other are wanting from the relationship.
Talking about some things may be hard particularly if you are sad or angry about something or with someone. It may be helpful to write it down as a way of expressing yourself.

Try to be accepting of differences
It is not uncommon to care about someone who has different ideas, interests and opinions to your own. Sometimes it can be difficult managing difference. It may be helpful to calmly discuss those differences or it may also be appropriate to agree to disagree. Respecting someone else's choices and opinions may help them to respect yours.

Respecting each other's space
Hanging out together is important in getting to know each other and it can also be great fun. Giving each other space from time to time is also important. Enjoying the company of a number of people like your friends, and not just the person who you are having a relationship with, may help you to expand your interests and give you lots of new things to share. This may also help your relationships continue to grow and be fun and interesting.

Spending time with yourself
Spending time with yourself can be fun. It can also help you understand yourself and help you to understand your relationships with others. If possible spend time getting to know yourself. This may feel a bit scary at first, but over time it can become less weird and more enjoyable. You may want to start by doing something you really enjoy. You can spend time with yourself doing lots of things like being active, listening to music or reading. Being by yourself doesn't mean you are alone, you are with yourself. You may want to think about what and where you want to go in life and whom you might want to take with you.

Managing arguments or difference of opinions
It is natural that people sometimes have differences of opinion. When we disagree with each other we may feel angry or frustrated. Not letting someone know your opinion, not having your opinion heard or having to accept someone's opinion without discussion may add to your frustrations and may make a relationship difficult. It is a good idea to express your opinions, let the other person know that you are listening to them and try to reach an understanding between the two of you. You might choose to:
· Respect their right to an opinion but not accept their opinion
· Agree to disagree
· See the other persons point of view
· Accept that your opinion needs to change



Phew, Nan Ren is tried from all the readings I had. Im heading off to bed! Nu Ren gud nite!! MMMUACKS!!!!!